Hope

 I'm half way through the week of wearing the eye patch.  So far I've enjoyed being waited on but I've also been warned not to get too use to it.  The folks here at the Lodge have been great.  I am afraid I am putting on weight. It may be a month or more before I can run again so maybe I need to stop eating so much.

"Egregious act of evil", that is the words the local sheriff used to describe yesterday's events here in Memphis. Four siblings, the oldest only four and half years old, have been fatally stabbed to death and their mother is now in custody.  What could cause a mother to be in a state of such despair that she would take the lives of four small children?

This was not in some poor, run down intercity neighborhood.  No! It was within a gated, golf course community.  The photos on the news all give the impression that this was a middle class community: one where families would be happy and children would be safe.  Yet for some unknown reason a mother lost all hope and let evil consume her very being.

I reflect on all this sitting here in the living room of the American Cancer Society's Hope Lodge.  Because of my extended stay, awaiting the removal of the radiation platelet, I have witnessed numerous patients come and go.  Most of them here for only two or three days; but all with a common trait -- hope.

Hope. It's one of those words we so often use without thinking about what it means.  Ask the average person and they will tell you that hope equates to wish.  However, look it up in the dictionary.  There you will discover that the primary usage and definition is not a verb but a noun.  Hope is not some fanciful wish but it is the object of a desired expectation.  The object not the act!  This is not the Wishing Lodge but the Hope Lodge. Individuals come here not wishing but instead come with expectations.

The local sheriff has stated that the investigation of yesterday's events will focus on the why. So far they have found no one who can say any of this mother's actions were foreseeable.  I can not help but wonder if sometimes we are so self absorbed that we do not truly see others.  Are there people all around us, hurting, truly with no hope?  I was certainly no English scholar but one poem I remember studying in school is Not Waving But Drowning by Stevie Smith.  The first stanza goes:

Nobody heard him, the dead man.
But, Still he lay moaning:
I was much farther out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

It's out!

It's out!  Taking the plaque out was much simpler then putting it in.  The surgery last week was close to an hour under general anesthesia. Today's was about fifteen minutes in length. The first minute or so I was all the way out followed by what they called twilight.  It was strange in that I felt nothing, could not open my good eye, but could hear them talking.

Once awake enough to talk I asked to see the plaque. It ended up the radiologist had already left with it.  Because it is radioactive they are required to maintain strict records regarding its location.  The past week I have worn a warning bracelet identifying the pellets and giving phone numbers to be called if I am found by first responders.  That's just real comforting seeing this thing on your wrist that says "Warning! Warning!"  At least it did not say "Run! Run! Run for your life!"

The doctor has promised me double vision for a few weeks.  I asked what exercises he would suggest to alleviate the problem.  He told me to do nothing; the brain knows what it needs to do and will work on making the appropriate adjustments.  It is just a matter of time.  If there is something I need to do where the double vision causes a real problem I can wear the eye patch but it is best to let the brain do its job.

As he talked about the working of the brain my thoughts could not help but go to the Designer and Isaiah 44:24.

Isaiah 44
24 Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,
and the one who formed you from the womb,
"I, the Lord am the maker of all things,
Stretching out the heavens by Myself
And spreading out the earth all alone..."

Paradox

By this time tomorrow I should be out of surgery having the platelet removed from my eye.  I must admit that I am looking forward to that.  Not that the pain has been bad at all.  In fact, after the first 24 hours there has been very little pain.  Immediately following the surgery I told the doctor it felt like an eye lash had fallen in my eye after taking a left hook from Mike Tyson.  He said that what felt like an eye lash was the platelet but he would take credit for the left hook.

The inconvenience this past week has been the lead shield which I had to keep under the eye patch.  Anytime I left our room I was to place it under the patch.  The reason for the shield was to protect anyone that may come within close proximity of me: especially small children and ladies who are or may be pregnant.  That is the real paradox of radiation treatment.  We are all warned about the risk of cancer from radiation exposure; yet what is one of the primary treatments for cancer? Radiation!  Oh the wisdom of man; we think we have everything figured out.

This being the 4th of July it has been relatively quiet here at the Lodge.  All but four patients have gone home for the long weekend.  Those of us which remain are either receiving treatments or like myself just quarantined to Memphis.  At least there is no want for good BBQ.

I still stand amazed at how God has been working through all of this.  How quickly the doctors in Knoxville picked up on my condition to how quickly I was admitted here in Memphis.  My retina specialist in Knoxville told me it would take four to six weeks to get an appointment in Memphis; he was shocked when it was only 16 days. The staff here at the Lodge keep talking about Dr. Wilson and how he has patients from around the world coming for this procedure.  I know that I was one of five surgeries, three implants and two removals, which he performed last week.

As I prepare for the surgery tomorrow I also prepare for the next chapter of this adventure.  There will be some double vision that I know.  It could last anywhere from a few weeks to being permanent.  So, I return to my verses in Habakkuk.

 
Habakkuk 3: 17-19

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit on the vines,

Though the yield of the olive should fail

And the fields produce no food,

Though the flock should be cut off from the fold

And there be no cattle in the stalls,

18 Yet I will exult in the Lord,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

19 The Lord God is my strength,

And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,

And makes me walk in my high places.

The 2nd Mile

 

Arrrrr!  That's pirate speak for... Hum... I really don't know what it means; but, it sounds good.  And now that I have a real pirate's eye patch I think it's the thing that needs to be said: so, arrrrr!

Anyone who has ever run a distance race knows that sometimes it's the beginning that can be the most difficult part of the race.  Whenever I have entered a 5K it seems like it takes the first mile to get into my stride.  The second mile is pretty much just coasting.  No need to really think about what I am doing, just enjoy the run.

After surgery yesterday I feel like I am into the second mile of this event.  This afternoon the doctor was very pleased with the way my eye looked.  All I need to do is sit back and take it easy for a week, coast for a while.

After the second mile is complete comes the push to the finish. That will not start until next week so I need to sit back and wait.  I do not want to start the final push too soon so that I do not burn out.

Psalm 86:11-13
11 Teach me your way, O Lord;
I will walk in your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.
12 I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.
13 For Your loving kindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

Report

 Could not have asked for a better report this afternoon from the doctor.  The CT scan came back clean!  Nothing there to worry about.  The doctor also told us that the melanoma was in the very early stage, and that it is small compared to what she usually sees.  She was very encouraging.

We have really felt the prayers.  All we can say is thank you.  First to the Lord, second to each and every one of you who have been praying.

Tomorrow it will be up at 4:15am to get to the hospital by 5:30 The surgery should be about an hour, followed by thirty minutes in recovery then some time in post-opt.  If all goes as expected I should be out of the hospital by noon.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Amazed

I know I shouldn't be but for some reason I am always amazed at God's timing.  Since January Lynette has been using the daily devotion book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  Each day's devotion is written from the perspective of Jesus talking to you.  Today's devotion was written especially for us.

It began, "Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.  Look neither behind you nor before you.  Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion."

Following that it talks about how He designed time as a protection for us because we could not bear to see our lives all at once.  However, He is unrestrained by time so He can meet us in the present moment.

This afternoon is my pre-surgery doctor's appointment. I am hoping that they will look at the CT results and share if anything was found.  I do know that all of the blood work came back normal and for that we give praise.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Hot Flash?

As the dye of the CT scan goes coursing through your veins there is a strange sense of warmth which floods your body.  Okay ladies, is that what a hot flash is like?  Oh who am I kidding, I don't care. I am just glad to have gotten through the scan and am ready to move on.

So it is off to Memphis we go. While here we will be staying at the American Cancer Society's Hope Lodge.  I could not help but laugh when they handed us the brochure.  The corporate sponsor of the lodge is Harrah so the full name is Harrah's Hope Lodge.  That just seems strange to me.

Tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment, then Tuesday morning the implant will be sewn on.  As that time draws near I cannot deny that there is some anxiousness but I still place my faith in the Lord.  I know that he is in control and pray for strength to live in His will.

Timeing Is Everything

Ecclesiastes 3 says

There is an appointed time for everything,

And there is a time for every event under heaven –

A time to give birth and a time to die;

A time to root and a time to uproot.

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace.

A time for a CT scan and it may be today or maybe not.

That last line is not in there but after the last two days it should be. I was scheduled to have a CT scan yesterday.  After drinking their most delicious milkshake the night before I arrived early for the scan.  I was handed another milkshake told to drink it and then follow it 30 minutes later with a larger cup of water.  This I did and then waited another 25 minutes.

At last they called my name.  It was time for the scan.  Unfortunately, it was not to be.  They told me, that because a few years ago I had experienced an outbreak of hives following a scan, they could not do the scan at the doctor’s office.  They preferred I have the scan performed at the hospital.   They offered to reschedule the scan to be done next week.

After explaining that next week was not an option they got me scheduled for 6:45am this morning.  At the hospital I would be pre-medicated to prevent the hives.  So it was up at 5:00am and off to the hospital. 

Being the first one at the hospital I sailed right through admissions and was quickly called.  First question, “What flavor milkshake would you like?”  I told the nurse that since I had about three quarts between yesterday and the night before I preferred something other than vanilla.  When she asked why I had drunk the stuff yesterday I explained about the hives.  She then asked if I had completed the pre-medication.  I told her no.

The look on her face gave away the fact something was not right.  She told me I should have been given a prescription and started the process 24 hours before the scan.  They would not do the scan without my being pre-medicated for hives.  So, she gave me a prescription and rescheduled me for tomorrow.

I know what happened.  The office where I was first scheduled called my GP’s office and explained the problem.  My GP’s office scheduled today’s scan with the hospital.  Those two offices assumed the other had given me the required prescription.  I am now taking large doses of Benadryl and Prednisone. Needless to say, I am doing well to hold my head up.

Now for the third time, tomorrow is the day of the CT scan.  If not then it will not be done prior to our leaving for Memphis.

Through all of the frustration we still trust that all of this is in God’s timing.

Habakkuk 3: 17-19

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit on the vines,

Though the yield of the olive should fail

And the fields produce no food,

Though the flock should be cut off from the fold

And there be no cattle in the stalls,

18 Yet I will exult in the Lord,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

19 The Lord God is my strength,

And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,

And makes me walk in my high places.

Lifited Up

We’ve all said it, “I’m lifting you up in prayer”, or “I’m praying for you”, or “I’m lifting you up.”  Maybe even just, “I’m thinking of you.”  Have you ever thought about what it means?  Not what does it mean to you, but what does it mean to the one you said it?

Those who have never found themselves walking in a dark valley may think such statements are just platitudes. They are not.  When spoken sincerely to one in need they truly do lift up.  They lift on a spiritual plane; also, on an emotional and sometimes even a physical level.  Faith remains strong when one is surrounded by friends lifting.  I truly do not know how a person endures dark tribulations without faith in God and the prayers of good friends.

There is one praise to report: I received the pathology report from the spot removed from the back of my hand.  In hind sight it is almost funny.  It was a cyst which had grown around a splinter.  That’s life on the farm; maybe I should wear gloves when I’m putting up hay.

Tomorrow is the CT scan.  My prayer is that it will be as clean as the dermatology report.

We’ve been counting the days and it is now less than a week till surgery.  Treatment for melanoma on the retina is radiation.  The process is a small patch, about the size of a nickel, loaded with radiation pellets.  This patch will be sewn to my eyeball.  I’ll wear the patch for a week after which time it will be removed.  The only part of the process that sounded any good at all is where they say, “under general anesthesia.”

One of the side effects of the process is double vision.  This is due to the muscles of the eye being disturbed during the surgery.  I have been told that usually the double vision is temporary but in some cases can be permanent.   The one sure effect of the treatment is the loss of most of the sight in the eye.  This loss of sight will be over time, 3 to 5 years.

Habakkuk 3: 17-19

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit on the vines,

Though the yield of the olive should fail

And the fields produce no food,

Though the flock should be cut off from the fold

And there be no cattle in the stalls,

18 Yet I will exult in the Lord,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

19 The Lord God is my strength,

And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,

And makes me walk in my high places.

Because I Can

For the second time this week I was up this morning before 6:00am and out the door to go for a three mile run.  While at the oncologist Lynette asked if I should be running.  His reply was that prior to surgery running would not be a problem.  He added that as a runner himself he would tell her it is a waste of time trying to talk a runner out of running.  She would feel better beating her head against a wall.

I am often asked, why? Why would a guy just a couple of months short of 67 years old (ouch, that hurt to write) want to go out and run?  I cannot answer for others but the reason I run is because I can.  I may not be fast; I may not be graceful; but, I can run. 

It was December 11, 1994 when I suffered a major heart attack. Not a “severe chest pain, I can’t raise my arm” heart attack but a “60 seconds of V-fib, dead on the floor” myocardial infarction.  This is another story for another time but within 18 hours of the attack I had no less than three doctors and one nurse comment on the grace of God and miraculous healing.  

So, I run because I can.  And because I can, I look to God for the strength to endure this adventure in which I now find myself.

Tomorrow is the midpoint between confirmed diagnosis and surgery. This past week was spent at two doctors.  First the dermatologist to have a suspicious spot removed from the back of my hand.  Next was my GP for blood work, EKG, and chest x-ray.  Next week will be a CT scan.  All of this to determine that the melanoma is only on the retina and has not moved to other spots internally.

Reading scripture over the past few weeks I have come to identify with the prophet Habakkuk.  Even though he is considered a minor prophet his concluding three verses have become my anthem.

Habakkuk 3: 17-19

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit on the vines,

Though the yield of the olive should fail

And the fields produce no food,

Though the flock should be cut off from the fold

And there be no cattle in the stalls,

18 Yet I will exult in the Lord,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

19 The Lord God is my strength,

And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,

And makes me walk in my high places.

Choroidal Nevi

You would think that a freckle on your retina would have a more impressive medical name than nevus. Maybe the reason for the unimpressive name is because without an eye exam you may never know you have one.  It is certainly not like the ones I had all over my face when I was a kid.

The amazing thing about a nevus is that they have little to no effect on your vision.  However, that does not mean you can just ignore one.  They have the very small possibility to turn ugly; real ugly. This ugliness presents itself as melanoma.

What is the possibility to have a nevus turn to melanoma?  The statistics I have been given by my oncologist  is that while five percent of the population may have a nevus, only six out of a million will develop melanoma.  The chance of being hit by lightning in your life time: 1 in 12,000.  This is where I have found myself, the winner of a lottery I was unaware I had entered. 

My thoughts have gone in many directions. Should I be worried?  Of course. Should I be afraid? Maybe, I do not know.  Should I be mad at God? Never, for He is the One that has given me life.

A number of years ago we had the privilege to be the host family for three young boys in the African Children’s Choir.  These young boys were truly a delight to have in our home.  We had been told that because they stayed in so many homes to not expect them to learn our names but that they would call us Aunt and Uncle.

Mealtime was always fun with them laughing, telling jokes on each other and talking about their plans for the day.  One morning the youngest, whose name was Gift, called me “Aunt.”  Needless to say the other two older boys showed Gift no mercy regarding his mistake.

After we had all had a good laugh I told Gift he could always tell Aunts from Uncles because Uncles had beards like mine.  Moses, the oldest of the boys, was quick to say, “Some Aunts have beards!”  Which gave us all another good laugh.

I then asked if they knew way Uncles grow beards and Aunts do not.  Wide eyed that asked “Why?” 

“Aunts are so beautiful they do not need to cover their face, but Uncles are ugly and we need to cover our face”, I replied.

I could tell Moses was thinking deeply about what I had said when he boldly pronounced, “’I am fearfully and wonderfully made!’ Psalm 139:14!”

All I could say was, “Yes Moses, you truly are.”  But my thought was I had just been beat down by a young 12 year old boy who had been speaking English for less than four months.  Not only did he have scripture memorized but he put it to use.

As I return to my thoughts regarding a nevus and melanoma I return to Psalm 139 which Moses was so quick to share with me.

13 For you formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are your works,

And I know it very well.